Prioritizing connection over compliance
IMAGE: Teacher interacting with students who are all using imaginary binoculars to represent close observation.
Education is a complicated, challenging field. Every year, seemingly more and more is being demanded of educators. Between larger class sizes, new curriculum, additional responsibilities, and limited time, teachers make lightning fast decisions all day long to manage these demands and more. When people feel overwhelmed, it is common to search for things to control.
On an especially overwhelming day you might pause during your instruction to consult your notes for a few more seconds than usual. During that time, two students start poking each other in the back of the room, and one of them squawks loudly, directing even more peer attention towards them.
Out of exasperation, you call out their names and narrow your eyebrows at them. “Come on,” you beg. “I just need a few more minutes. Stick with me.”
Other students get involved. “Shut up, you guys!” “Yeah–we’re trying to learn! Shut up!”
“You shut up,” the student retorts.
You feel tense and shout, “That’s enough! ALL OF YOU!”
You look at the clock and feel like the time is slipping away. “If we don’t have time to finish this we will have to use your work time to finish this up.”
The pressure for time often causes educators to ask “What’s the fastest way to get students to settle down? (or insert other words based on the situation: “…line up? …get off their phones? …get to work?”) The answers often involve demands for compliance. Demands for compliance can result in power struggles, lost time, and lost connections.
If an educator can shift instead to a connection mindset, they ask themselves questions like, “How can I help these students? What is getting in the way? The answers to these questions involve the Foundational Skills.
So you take a deep breath, pause for a moment and remember how back and forth arguments only create frustration for everyone. You smile and catch eyes with the two students, and their attention shifts back to you. A moment of seeing a caring teacher could be enough.
Another time, it might not be. Since you need more time to figure things out before plowing ahead in the curriculum, you say to the class, “What is something you are looking forward to this week? Tell a partner.” You signal a turn and talk. Then, you slowly make your way to the back of the room, thinking about the importance of connection.
Your smile and calm body might be enough to regulate them as you approach. Or, they might need even more. You Lead the interaction by approaching them from the side and connecting with them through a smile and eye contact. You then Empower them to engage and connect to each other. You resist the temptation to use language that masquerades as positive, but is ultimately manipulative such as, “Look at how ____ and _____ are working…” or is accompanied by eye-yelling such as, “What is your job?” Instead, you use language that will be perceived as positive by the students, asking the individuals the same question you asked the class: “What is something you are looking forward to this week?” They can move past the tension and engage in something positive.
Some teachers worry that smiles, nods, thumbs ups, and kind words in this situation would equal approval of the students yelling at each other. Instead, these actions help them regulate, which unlocks access to the thinking part of the brains.
It’s not that you can never have a conversation about hurtful interactions students might have with each other. But having that conversation while a student is dysregulated won’t help. A dysregulated student is firmly in their brain stem, a part of their brain that is responsible for survival–not for learning and problem-solving.
When a teacher can shift their thinking from “How can I get students to…” over to “How can I help students…” the priority of connection over compliance makes for a happier, calmer classroom with more purpose and meaning for students and educators.
Foundational Skill Spotlight
Lead & Empower is one of the Foundational Skills that is used in the context of supporting students’ success. Which components do you want to be even more aware of when you’re implementing with students?
